


he's a dead man.

by ironicsopsychotic (delightisadream)



Category: House of Anubis
Genre: Group chat, Multi, Timeline? What Timeline?, background ships def peddie and jeroy, every past and present house member, i'm thinking willow alfie and amber are all single but i have no idea how, mickra is not back together or anything, past-amfie and past-walfie but no animosity have you MET them, texting group chat, texts, update: fabina included
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-11
Updated: 2020-12-01
Packaged: 2021-03-07 03:14:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26400007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/delightisadream/pseuds/ironicsopsychotic
Summary: when a certain member of anubis house is sent something unsolicited, it’s not long before the entire house is banding together to deal with it. if it gets out of hand, well...that was probably intentional.
Comments: 31
Kudos: 14





	1. wednesday.

**Author's Note:**

> rooms for reference:  
> jerome, alfie  
> fabian, mick, eddie  
> nina, amber, mara  
> patricia, joy, willow, kt
> 
> i could not, w a good conscience, put mara into the 4person bedroom after she was so glad to be rid of the 3person in s3. i understand this isn't logical and someone would HAVE to be in a different house, but idgaf.

**_H of A_** _| 7:23pm_

 **[joy]** so i’ve got good news and bad news

 **[fabian]** …what’s the bad news

 **[joy]** patricia’s been sent a dick pic

unsolicited, btw

 **[alfie]** not TRIXIE

 **[jerome]** HAHAHAHA

 **[nina]** did they not realize a declaration of war would’ve had a more peaceful outcome

 **[willow]** oh, the poor thing :(

 **[kt]** i’m having a hard time finding the good news w this?

 **[joy]** well the good news is that now jerome finally has a good reason to screw w someone

 **[fabian]** joy, that is devious.

 **[mara]** i’m all in on this one

 **[jerome]** joyless

ilysm

 **[patricia]** disGUSTING

when i said joy could break the news i didn’t expect such mushiness

 **[joy]** :)

 **[mick]** probably unrelated

but is he on the football team?

 **[nina]** omg n o

 **[patricia]** mick. did he brag about this

 **[mick]** 😳

 **[alfie]** he’s a dead man.

****

**_H of A_ ** _| 8:02pm_

 **[eddie]** UH

HELLO??

 **[nina]** i was wondering when you’d get here

 **[eddie]** WHY DIDN’T IK ABOUT THIS BEFOREHAND

 **[joy]** i told everyone at the same time, not my fault you were having dinner w sweetie

 **[alfie]** i still dt i’m over that one

 **[eddie]** my ~problem is that i found out through a group chat? you specifically?

 _@myfuckinggf_ a call would’ve sufficed??

 **[jerome]** bet chores for a week this backfires

 **[amber]** i am NOT doing your chores

 **[kt]** no one’s forcing you to bet amber, dw

 **[jerome]** ah i’ve got an american challenger

chores it is

 **[kt]** i said the exact opposite?

 **[jerome]** :) sry i don’t make the rules

 **[alfie]** that’s right, he doesn’t

 **[jerome]** you’re not getting in on this alfie

 **[alfie]** he makes the rules

 **[nina]** i’m not getting involved in this at all

 **[jerome]** so you’re betting 20 bucks

 **[nina]** jerome what the actual fuck

 **[patricia]** forget jerome

EDDIE what the actual fuck

 **[eddie]** oh no, i am not in the wrong here

ik you didn’t ASK for the dick pic, but don’t you think that’s something i should maybe know about?

**[patricia] to [eddie 🖤]** look this really isn’t about you

 **[eddie] to [yacker x]** patricia.

take one second to realize how stupid that sounds

**_H of A_ **

**[mick]** if it wasn’t patricia i don’t think any of us would want to know

 **[mara]** oh, so it’s okay to send them unsolicited if it’s anyone else?

**[patricia]** no, i’m serious

i find it all pretty funny that he had the audacity to think sending ME a dick pic would go over well

i’m taking it in stride

 **[eddie]** yacker i just

want to be INVOLVED in these things, yk?

like bf/gf not gf/bf lumped in w rest of the house

 **[patricia]** i didn’t wanna worry you

**_H of A_ **

**[mick]** no no wait

 **[mara]** see, this is why feminism matters!

 **[kt]** that’s kind of terrible, mick

 **[mick]** fr WHO are you??

**[patricia]** it’s not like i’ve ever gotten one before

 **[eddie]** ik ik

sorry, i just wish you would’ve told me first

 **[patricia]** i’m sorry ❤️

next time i get sent an unsolicited dick pic i’ll let yk

 **[eddie]** i’m going to react worse if it happens again

but ty

❤️

 **[patricia]** sap

 **[eddie]** you sent one first!

 **[patricia] ❤️** :)

**_H of A_ **

**[patricia]** that better not be you defending him bc he’s a teammate

 **[alfie]** a bad one at that

 **[joy]** mick you’re real close to being kicked out

 **[eddie]** man i’ll fight you

 **[mick]** i BARELY know who you are either

 **[fabian]** mick he’s in our room.

 **[jerome]**...any bets on that?

 **[amber]** seriously jerome, no one cares

 **[willow]** hmmm...they’re both decently strong

oh sorry, i thought that was a real bet

 **[jerome]** no it is!

 **[nina]** joy imma kick your bf out

everyone in favor say i

 **[joy]** go ahead, i speak for all of us

 **[jerome]** jOY

**[nina] removed [jerome] from the group chat**

**[mick]** does the air feel...lighter w/o him here?

 **[mara]** don’t think you’re getting out of this sexist conversation now that the douche is out

 **[fabian]** mick i’d give it up.

 **[alfie]** i take offense to that term

 **[amber]** alfie

 **[patricia]** alfie it’s jerome

 **[alfie]** i legally can’t say anything, he’ll find out

**[joy] added [jerome] to the group chat**

**[patricia]** ugh, joy

 **[joy]** sorry, he begged me

 **[kt]** i’m upstairs w her rn

all he did was come in and kiss her

 **[amber]** joy you ignorant slut

 **[jerome]** all of you suck ass

 **[nina]** i have no regrets

 **[eddie]** you WERE being irritating jerry

 **[amber]** ulch, i hate that sm

 **[mara]** same

is anyone else uncomfortable w eddie calling him that?

 **[fabian]** i’ve personally always disliked that nickname.

 **[eddie]** oh yeah ~fabes?

 **[joy]** 😬 sorry fabian

 **[jerome]** btw i CAN see everything you said

good boy alfie

 **[alfie]** i told you.

 **[patricia]** oh pls, i would’ve said that to your face

 **[jerome]** guess you don’t want help w this pervert then

 **[eddie]** I’LL DO IT

 **[joy]** no

jerome, you’re doing it

 **[kt]** oh my godddd they’re doing it again

 **[alfie]** you go, dude!

 **[nina]** girl just leave the room

 **[willow]** you can come sage the living room w me! trudy’s here too!

 **[jerome]** fine i’m still in

 **[kt]** see you in .02 seconds

 **[patricia]** i’m CACKLING she practically threw herself down the stairs

 **[eddie]** what a lovely thing to walk into when i get home


	2. thursday.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jerome discusses a smidge of his plan with patricia, mara's still shunning mick, mick continues to be iconic, and—as expected—each and every group chat gets even more out of hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i got like .02% inspired earlier and finally forced myself to do hw, thus letting this be a reward. here's to ch2!
> 
> i just kept adding shit to this chapter and i'm v happy w how it got away from me. and also the name of the dick pic sender! i love all these dynamics sm omg

_7:59am_

**[amber] to [moody mara]** maraaaaa

 **[mara] to [brit brat]** yes, amber?

 **[amber]** are we still shunning mick?

 **[mara]** YES

he needs to learn that his actions have consequences and he’ll never have a successful relationship if this is the way he treats women

**[amber] to [mate xo]** _text screenshot_

she really lives up to her name

 **[mick] to [ambs]** s m a s h i n g

thanks ambs

 **[amber]** 😚

**[amber] to [moody mara]** idk, #mickber was pretty successful

 **[mara] to [brit brat]** amber that honestly doesn’t count

successful is defined as “accomplishing an aim or purpose”

that didn’t end well

 **[amber]** and whose fault was that??

and it was also your fault YOUR relationship w him ended poorly

fawning over jerome

 **[mara]** okay that was really low

 **[amber]** my heels can only make me so tall

**_H of A_ ** _| 8:32am_

 **[patricia]** okay did jerome just drop off the face of the fucking planet

 **[kt]** *sighs loudly*

 **[nina]** i’ve got you

 _@joy_?

 **[joy]** can confirm he is indeed w me

 **[patricia]** rlly

you couldn’t have waited five minutes for us to plot

 **[alfie]** i see this as a blessing

did you SEE how they were at breakfast ??

i could barely eat my food

 **[willow]** me too, but that’s bc i was so happy for them 

i love you two!!

 **[patricia]** jerome text me rn before i throw up

 **[jerome]** omf let me be w my girlfriend for a second, will you?

 **[eddie]** jerry please

she legally can’t focus on me until you tell her the plan

 **[fabian]** eddie’s having a withdrawal.

 **[mick]** i think i even saw drool

 **[mara]** mick.

 **[mick]** sorry, shutting up now

 **[kt]** wait wasn’t that alfie drooling

 **[alfie]** ohhh yeah, over the food

 **[nina]**...mick do you really not know what eddie looks like

 **[alfie]** there’s a big difference, man

 **[eddie]** i’ll handle that later w a formal introduction but rn

JERRY

 **[jerome]** GIVE ME. FIVE. MINUTES.

GOD.

 **[joy]** make it ten

 **[patricia]** i’m finding you both and vomiting on your shoes

 **[jerome]** i’ll text you in first period

now stfu

_9:23am_

**[jerome] to [trix are for goths]** so how does public humiliation sound

 **[patricia] to [delete #]** FINALLY

normally i’d discourage you from texting me

 **[jerome]** funny

 **[patricia]** but i’m completely down w that

don’t tell joy

 **[jerome]** don’t tell joy

wait why don’t YOU want to tell her

 **[patricia]** we both know—depending on how extreme it is—she might nix it for being too intense

 **[jerome]** …

yk she helped mara and willow coerce me into singing random shit right

in front of the whole school?

she has no problem w public humiliation if it’s deserved

 **[patricia]** lmao yeah forgot about that

comedy gold

 **[jerome]** 🙄 

i just wanted to surprise her, push her buttons about not knowing

 **[patricia]** yeah okay i’m fine w that

i get the vibe you’re a creepy bf

 **[jerome]** i get the vibe you’re creepy in general

**_H of A_ ** _| 10:00am_

 **[patricia]** not to freak anyone out, but this dickwad was making gross faces at me and i might have thrown an entire binder in his direction

 **[eddie]** that’s my girl

 **[mara]** omg i was wondering what i heard when i passed by your classroom

 **[willow]** i wanted to talk to him, maybe get him to knock it off, but patricia’s method was certainly quicker

 **[nina]** i’m not sure logic works w guys like him anyway

 **[kt]** still very sweet willow

 **[willow]** ty! xx

 **[patricia]** shit shit shit i might be getting detention

 **[joy]** SELL THE BITCH OUT

 **[jerome]** ^^^

we’ll still do my plan, don’t count that out yet

 **[patricia]** 😬 yeahhh i kinda fucked up

i used the phrase “self-centered asshat w an incredible lack of knowledge on women and his own genitals” and that uh

that wasn’t what sweetie wanted to hear

 **[eddie]** yOU SAID THAT TO MY DAD

 **[alfie]** TRIXIEEE

 **[joy]** oh my GOD

 **[patricia]** at least i didn’t say DICK PIC

wouldn’t that be WORSE??

 **[eddie]** yacker i don’t even think i could make this better

 **[nina]** since when has your dad ever let you sway him on an important matter

 **[eddie]** my point exactly

 **[amber]** i can totally call my dad and convince him to complain about this

ooh or mick’s dad, that’s how i got trudy reinstated

 **[fabian]** is everyone forgetting eddie’s dad is the headmaster?

 **[patricia]** wait wait

would threatening to speak to a reporter about all the creepy shit he’s involved in backfire orrr

 **[mara]** creepy shit?

**_sibuna ~informants_ **

**[amber]**!!!

 **[fabian]** patricia.

 **[nina]** fix this NOW.

**_H of A_ **

**[eddie]** he plays w dolls

but you didn’t hear that from me

in fact, cover your ears

 **[mara]** sorry, what?

 **[alfie]** he said cover your damn ears, what don’t you understand?!

 **[kt]** that’s a resounding NO btw patricia

 **[joy]** keep that shit to yourself god

 **[patricia]** then i’ve got “detention,” aka organizing folders for him during free period

 **[jerome]** how is it that you scandalize a strangely “innocent” man and get that measly detention

but willow and i distract him and take away from like 2min of class time and we get to clean the drama closet for like a week

 **[willow]** yk, i always thought he used to ship us

 **[eddie]** my dad is way too old to be shipping people

next theory

 **[kt]** the fact that she’s your girlfriend probably has something to do w it

 **[patricia]** ooh cool, am i getting the sweetie treatment now?

 **[eddie]** pls never say that again

**_da boys_ ** _| 12:42pm_

 **[jerome]** PSA: ALFIE JUST INHALED AN ENTIRE BANANA

 **[eddie]** hmm i wonder if there’s a euphemism for that

 **[fabian]** crude, but true.

 **[mick]** mates i need some help

 **[eddie]** you get my help the second you can identify me

 **[mick]** easy

you’re the one i don’t recognize in this chat

 **[jerome]** fabian?

 **[fabian]**...i’ll accept it.

 **[eddie]** damn

 **[fabian]** so what’s the problem?

 **[jerome]** ik what it better not be

 **[mick]** mara

 **[jerome]** yep

you’re on your own, i’m done trying to appease her

 **[mick]** you wouldn’t have helped anyway

all you ever do is make things worse + you hate me

 **[jerome]** thanks for saying it for me, it gets so taxing to repeat myself

 **[fabian]** mick, i really think you should let her cool off before you try anything.

 **[mick]** but CLEARLY i wasn’t being sexist

patricia receiving a dick pic is terrifying

it’s improper as it is, but PATRICIA?

 **[eddie]** man i agree, but it’s not like any of the girls will back you up on this

i’d suggest beating tf out of this dude but i kinda wanna do that myself so don’t

 **[fabian]** what’s his name, anyway?

 **[mick]** parker wells

 **[jerome]** hjgntfkbotfgtk okay i’m back

it’s THAT prick??

 **[fabian]** oh this is bad.

 **[mick]** am i missing something?

 **[jerome]** 😃😃😃 i’m going to enjoy this so much more

 **[eddie]** oh my god i’ve heard of him

what’re the odds of me sneaking out of class and decking him in the face with no consequences

 **[fabian]** slim to none.

 **[eddie]** better than i thought

i’ll risk it

 **[jerome]** you sit your american ass down, this is my territory

 **[mick]** what’s wrong w parker?

other than the obvious i mean

 **[jerome]** you share a locker room w him

piece it together

 **[fabian]** mick.

the stories of him crashing off-campus parties and getting drunk?

those are true.

 **[mick]** are you fucking kidding me

 **[eddie]** i haven’t heard these stories someone fuel my anger further

 **[fabian]** unfortunately, i am not.

 **[mick]** fucking kill him jerome

 **[jerome]** 😈😈😈

_**da boys** | 12:58pm _

**[mick]** wait but what do i do about mara

 **[alfie]** _triumphantalfievsbanana.jpeg_

lookie!!!

 **[jerome]** IT STILL GETS ME

 **[mick]** fuck you guys

_**H of A**_ _| 3:15pm_

 **[kt]** hey quick question

are you 18? _@patricia_

 **[patricia]** yes

 **[amber]** oh shoot you’re legal :(

 **[patricia]** trust me, i thought of that

very first thing joy brought up

after laughing, ofc

 **[nina]** oh ofc

**[mick] to [date¿]** permission to speak for like one second

 **[mara] to [australian boy 🇦🇺]** have you changed your stance yet?

 **[mick]** mara i promise i didn’t mean it like that

i have some really important info for the group

 **[mara]**...fine

make it quick

_**H of A** _

**[mick]** parker wells is 16

 **[nina]** NO

 **[fabian]**???? where was this information earlier?

 **[alfie]** the size of this kid’s balls, i mean

 **[jerome]** ^^^^ what the FUCK

 **[eddie]** i’m still gonna kill him

**[mara]** NVMD YOU MAY CONTINUE TO SHARE W THE CLASS

 **[mick]** ;)

_**H of A** _

**[alfie]** ik jerome has a big plan in the works but i kinda wanna be involved now

 **[kt]** it seems almost wrong not to be

 **[willow]** a lot of conflicts can be solved through dance battles

 **[jerome]** willow

 **[fabian]** what?

 **[mara]** *sighs* please don’t ask

 **[willow]** television has taught me very well, fabian

someone always walks away like a wounded dog at the end

is that the effect we’re going for?

 **[eddie]** i’d prefer his teeth get knocked out but

 **[amber]** ooh, but a dance battle sounds so much cuter

 **[patricia]** what about “unsolicited dick pic by douchebag 16yo” screams CUTE to you??

 **[alfie]** how funny would if be if a flash mob surrounded him tho

kid would wet his pants

 **[patricia]** if that were true, i like it

 **[fabian]** alfie, do you maybe have a phobia of flash mobs?

 **[alfie]** absOLUTELY NOT

on an unrelated note, i cannot be in the vicinity if this is what we’re doing

 **[kt]** a flash mob would be pretty funny

 **[mick]** that’s also a great pun

matches the crime

**[mara]** puns now?

 **[mick]** you let me share w the class, i’m gonna make you smile

**_H of A_ **

**[nina]** right bc the best course of action is to have a dance-off

 **[eddie]** i am pretty good at dancing

 **[amber]** mick could take him

 **[mara]** i second this.

 **[eddie]**?? r u serious

 **[patricia]** sorry weasel face, there’s really no contest

 **[eddie]** i’ve DANCED w you before

 **[mara]** eddie. 

just trust us.

 **[jerome]** making another wager: who thinks mick would show eddie up in a dance-off

 **[mara]** me

 **[amber]** me 💅🏻 

**[eddie]** you’ve gotta be kidding

 **[patricia]** me

 **[nina]** guys this is mean

 **[mick]** oh my god 

**[nina]** not happening

 **[fabian]** i can contest to this. yes. 

**[mick]** alright so this is happening. 

brilliant. 

**[joy]** just got out of a makeup test—why does everyone think mick’s basically a professional dancer?

 **[alfie]** seems like nearly everyone’s a yes

 **[willow]** i’m in the spirit of a healthy competition. vote for eddie!

 **[eddie]** ty willow

 **[nina]** i’ll thank myself

 **[eddie]** 🙄 yes ty too

 **[jerome]** what about kt? she’s the last one

 **[mara]** her phone just died but she said put her down in eddie’s favor 

dk why though

 **[joy]** mick?? rlly??

this man only knows how to kick a football and run in a straight line

no offense

 **[fabian]** all valid points. 

**[mick]** cheers

 **[jerome]** joy, trust me

you weren’t here for a semester

you haven’t seen the things i’ve seen

 **[patricia]** so this is happening, yeah?

 **[mick]** i’ve got a killer football practice tomorrow so this’ll have to wait another day

 **[willow]** boooo

 **[eddie]** idk wtf is going on and this isn’t even a temporary solution but i guess i have no choice

 **[nina]** perceptive

 **[amber]** also correct 🥳

 **[jerome]** saturday it is, then ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it’s supposed to be insinuated that when parker’s drunk and shit at the parties he crashes he is wayyyy less than a classy guy. i don’t have any specific idea in mind as to how far/how TERRIBLE he is, but considering he’s out here sending unsolicited dick pics...use your imagination. he’s not good.
> 
> we're definitely not going to see all the individual contact names for people, but if you wanna know a specific thing just ask! i have a whole list of contact info, some less funny than others but pretty matching for the characters *shrugs*
> 
> i'm ironicsopsychotic from youtube, so if you like my hoa vids please give this fic some love! kudos, comments, bookmarks, all that jazz.


	3. friday.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> mara's an easy person to piss off, phones are collected before each class resulting in eddie freaking out, jerome and patricia put the plan into motion, preparation for the dance battle, aaaaanddd...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> listen. it gets worse.

**_H of A_ ** _ | 7:21am _

**[eddie]** i would like to make it known that i got up, peed, and when i came back mick threw a pillow at me bc he thought i was an intruder

**[amber]** first of all, this notification woke me from my beauty sleep and i resent that

**[patricia]** oh my god

**[amber]** second, did you NOT introduce yourself? come on eddie, get w the program

**[eddie]** NO I DID

**[fabian]** can confirm.

i’m awake bc mick screamed bloody murder.

**[alfie]** ohhhh so that’s why victor came downstairs yelling

**[jerome]** can everyone stfu and go back to bed

**[mara]** school starts at nine? are you just never waking up?

**[jerome]** not all of us need to try for two hours mara :)

**[patricia]** oh my g o d

**[joy]** OKAY THAT’S ENOUGH

**[joy] to [posh boy** **❤️️]** i’m serious jerome

i don’t want to have to hear about this, esp so early

**[jerome] to [joyless ❤️️]** that’s my whole problem w the situation

c’mon yk she knows i don’t mean it

**_H of A_ **

**[mara]** jerome that is the single most disgusting thing you’ve said to me

**[kt]** ...really?

**[mara]** recently

the single most disgusting thing he’s said to me *recently

**[joy]** wanna rethink that statement?

**[jerome]** ...i’ll behave

**_H of A_ **

**[jerome]** all in good fun, swear

**[patricia]** re: oh my god

can everyone shut up

**[mara]** right bc you’ve given me every reason to believe you

**[jerome]** um?? this term i have?

not my fault you hold grudges longer than a boyfriend

**[joy]** YOU JUST SAID YOU’D BEHAVE

**[jerome]** and you BELIEVED me??

**_H of A_ **

**[patricia]** mara don’t even address it

i’m muting this chat and when i come back if there’s even a single message between now and breakfast i’m slaughtering you all

**[eddie]** fr mick will keep waking up and getting freaked out when he sees me and i really don’t need that

_ 8:02am _

**[willow] to [clumsy king]** would you like me to sage your bedroom?

i rlly think it would be beneficial for all the weird vibes mick’s creating, yk? :)

**[fabian] to [** 🌈 **]** i uh—sure.

_ 8:34am _

**[jerome] to [trix are for goths]** we gotta do some recon today

**[patricia] to [delete #]** define recon

i’ve had enough sibuna recon for awhile

**[jerome]** dear lord no, me too

we stake him out

get what we need

and i put it all together for some fuckery

**[patricia]** a stake out

**[jerome]** yes

**[patricia]** you sure you’re not actually in sibuna?

**[jerome]** after the shit show that was nina’s first year? no thx

**[patricia]** this seems pretty secretive to me

you’re literally two seats over from me at breakfast rn

**[jerome]** bc this is a surprise and you were a whiny bitch yesterday when i didn’t tell you the plan before i left

**[patricia]** oh poor you, having to deal w my wrath

**[jerome]** poor me having to deal w *you

4:45

if you’re not there the deal is off

**[patricia]** if this goes south i’m leaking your nudes

**[jerome]** !!

patricia i don’t HAVE any nudes!!

**[patricia]** stop being snarky and it’ll stay that way

_ 10:16am _

**[patricia] to [eddie 🖤]** hEY

why is sweetie making all the teachers round up our phones at the beginning of class??

they’ve never enforced that before

**[eddie] to [yacker x]** um maybe it has something to do w the fact that there are dick pics floating around and my dad doesn’t want them getting taken during class?

**[patricia]** wait did you tell him?

bc jerome’s thing won’t work if he knows

**[eddie]** yes yacker i just love having these conversations w my father

no, ofc not

**[patricia]** getting taken now gtg

you better hope they don’t read any of my messages

**[eddie]** wait why

what are you texting

do you mean ours or sibuna’s or the house chat??

PATRICIA

FUCK

**_sisterhood_ ** _ | 11:58am _

**[willow]** who wants to have lunch out in the grass w me??  **✨**

**[kt]** awe i’d love to!

**[amber]** alfie better not be anywhere near it

i can’t handle another failed picnic date

**[willow]** squeeeeeeee so it’s a friend date?

friend date!!

**[joy]** jerome’s being ~clingy i’ll have to take a raincheck

**[patricia]** kt are your spidey senses tingling

**[nina]** pffft did eddie force that line into your head

**[patricia]** he did tell me he might’ve drove you insane over the summer

but i’m his gf so i have to prove i’m better

no offense

**[mara]** eddie should really go as spiderman for halloween

**[kt]** ...joy stop bullshitting

**[joy]** okay i’m busy 💋

**[kt]** i am v e r y displeased

**[willow]** picnic’s ready! come destress!

_ 1:11pm _

**[amber] to [bestie ✨]** omg did you see victor trip in the hallway

**[nina] to [bestie ✨]** listen idc if he’s looking into sibuna again

that made my day

**_anubis backwards_ ** _ | 3:12pm _

**[eddie]** can anyone—lITERALLY ANYONE summon a spirit or some shit so it’ll take my mind off parker wells or this weird dance battle w mick

**[alfie]** sorry man, we’re too far into this sibuna!vacation to break it now

**[kt]** tbh i can’t believe it’s been this smooth sailing

**[amber]** we have both the chosen one *and* the osirian now

you guys are like magic

**[kt]** ooh or yin and yang

**[eddie]** i can never remember the difference

**[fabian]** eddie’s yin.

**[kt] 😂😂**

**[nina]** ik that’s usually feminine but w how he’s been reacting recently—

**[eddie]** this isn’t helping at all, the google search just made me upset

_ 5:03pm _

**[patricia] to [delete #]** OFNSFKFK WHAT DID HE JUST DO

**[jerome] to [trix are for goths]** THATS GOING IN THATS GOING IN

HES MAKING THIS SO EASY

**_H of A_ ** _ | 8:22pm _

**[mara]** what time are we doing the dance battle tomorrow?

i intend to have my camera ready

**[amber]** i’m so excitedddddd

**[kt]** i’m so confuseddddd

**[alfie]** crack of dawn

**[joy]** rn pls

**[mick]** i am way too tired, no

**[eddie]** seriously why is this a thing you’re all looking forward to

**[patricia]** eddie this is the highlight of my week

**[willow]** can i enter the dance competition?

**[jerome]** 1) no wills, you’re confusing this w literally anything else you’ve ever thought of

**[willow]** ohhhh i did daydream about this without my phone today

**[jerome]** and 2) 11am.

after breakfast, time to warm up

and more importantly

we get to freak eddie out more

**[amber]** mick’s gonna do such a great job

**[eddie]** i stg if you’re fucking w me

**[mara]** no we’re not

**[fabian]** there’s some real factual evidence to this. 

**[nina]** *sigh* guys

**[eddie] to [chosen one 🔮]** tell me

**[nina] to [osirian!¡]** can’t sorry

sworn to secrecy

**[eddie]** tell me anyway

**[nina]** eddie

**[eddie]** just like induce a vision for me w the voices

**[nina]** that is 100% not how that works and yk it

**[eddie]** tell me

**[nina]** it’ll be better if i don’t, but i’m still not in on it

**[eddie]** you don’t even APPROVE just tell me

american trust and all that

**[nina]** then ask kt

**[eddie]** SHES AS LOST AS I AM CMON NINA

**[nina]** sry super tired, heading to bed

**[eddie]** IT’S EIGHT THIRTY

**_H of A_ ** _ | 8:43pm _

**[patricia]** in other news, parker wells is the scum of the earth

**[jerome]** AND incredibly entertaining

**[joy]** i’d expect nothing less from a 16yo who thinks he’s at least average

**[fabian]** can i just ask how many of the girls saw this picture?

**[mara]** no you cannot. sisterhood secrecy

**[amber]** all of us

**[mara]** amber!

**[kt]** wait i haven’t

**[patricia]** do you want to?

**[kt]** ...good point

**[alfie]** i’ve seen it too

amber’s phone froze on it and i honestly felt like i was getting punked

**[nina]** i think it’s concerning how many of us were ready to see this, even for emotional support

**[eddie]** HEY WAIT YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING TO SLEEP

**[alfie]** man she’s in the kitchen w us

**_H of A_ ** _ | 8:46pm _

**[patricia]** holy shit if you keep running out of your room like that victor will drop the pin on you

**[alfie]** omg can we bowl w victor

**[jerome]** alfie stand down

**_H of A_ ** _ | 9:30pm _

**[nina]** iiiii have some unfortunate news

**[joy]** can’t be worse than the news we’re still dealing w

**[amber]** oh yes it is

**[nina]** parker wells just sent me one too

**[kt]** pls tell me you’re kidding

**[fabian]** he sent you what.

**[nina]** fabian

**[eddie]** yo is this a prank

**[joy]** i take it back

this is worse

**[fabian]** he sent you WHAT?

**[nina]** yk what he sent me

**[amber]** nina is the second person in this household to receive an unsolicited dangly photo

**[mara]** can’t we just report him??

**[alfie]** patricia was ballsy enough, but nina too??

**[eddie]** fuck this ISNT a joke

i cant protect my gf or the chosen one

**[joy]** eDdie

**[mick]** he’s speaking nonsense again

**[jerome]** we’re not reporting him bc fucking w him is much more fun

x2 now

**[nina] to [favian** **❤️️❤️️]** pls don’t overreact

i’m perfectly fine, just a little uncomfortable

**_H of A_ **

**[willow]** i wonder if this is karma for patricia showing us 😔

**[patricia]** this is karma for nina being an american

**[alfie]** i think this is just to haunt me further

ambs do NOT show me this one

**[amber]** oh no, it’s in my ‘for my eyes only’ snap folder

**[kt]** AMBER DON’T KEEP THAT

HE’S 16

**[amber]** OOPS I FORGOT

**[nina] to [favian** **❤️️❤️️]** ik you’ve seen the chat

at least before i texted you for the first time

**_H of A_ **

**[joy]** nina you blocked him right

**[nina]** first thing i did

after throwing up

**[nina] to [favian** **❤️️❤️️]** fabian please text me back

_ 9:53pm _

**[nina] to [favian** **❤️️❤️️]** fabian

**_H of A_ **

**[nina]** fabian’s not texting me back is he alive

**[eddie]** man idk, are you awake?

**[nina]** dude

**[mick]** he’s alive

you uh

you don’t really wanna know anything else

**[alfie]** should i not be finding this as funny as i am

**[amber]** rude, alfie. rude

**[mara]** okay i am officially shutting this down for the night

**[patricia]** i hope parker’s gone down too…

**[kt]** PATRICIA

**[alfie]** NVMD ITS NOT FUNNY ANYMORE

**[nina]** 😡 i’m going to sleep

**[eddie]** iTS WHAT YA GET

_ 10:01pm _

**[jerome] to [trix are for goths]** so upon further review + the nina surprise

we need more

**[patricia] to [delete #]** ffs

i don’t wanna spend MORE time w you

**[jerome]** trust me, the feeling is mutual

i’d much rather go on a date w joy

**[patricia]** stop acting like you aren’t getting action kt is scarred for life

**[jerome]** ABOUT THAT

i’d like to point out YOU and WILLOW live in that room too?? you don’t have any complaints??

not my fault kt’s a voyeur

**[patricia]** OGNSODNFOGM

**[patricia] to [misfortune kookie]** jerome thinks you’re a voyeur

**[kt] to [catty patty]** omg pls tell me you’re kidding

**[patricia]** we all keep telling you to leave the room

find. a different. bed. 

**[kt]** it’s not like i have plenty of options

**[patricia]** the crypt?

**[kt]** -_-

**[patricia]** soooo that’s a no?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so a few days ago my best friend got a FULL-ON dick pic from tHE SAME GUY and that resulted in nina receiving one too. don't ask me why she had parker on snap, we all know we just keep random people on there sometimes.  
> also, actual text from le friend: "like sir did I ASK"
> 
> as w last time, if you wanna know individual contact names just ask!
> 
> i'm ironicsopsychotic from youtube, so if you like my hoa vids please give this fic some love! kudos, comments, bookmarks, all that jazz.


	4. saturday.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the infamous dance battle, recon day #2, and some of the more questionable text exchanges to date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay wow sorry for such a delay. if it helps, my sister has asked me i believe 3 times when this chapter was going up since the previous one was uploaded. you always got someone on your side.

**_H of A_ ** _| 11:56am_

 **[eddie]** ARE YOU KIDDING ME

 **[mick]** what can i say

i bust some chops

 **[kt]** that is definitely not the saying for this

 **[eddie]** why does everyone like to fuck w my head in here? like what WAS that??

 **[alfie]** sophomore year we all walked in on fabian and mick slow dancing. 

i liked it, personally

 **[fabian]** i thought we all agreed to leave me out of this retelling.

 **[patricia]** nope

 **[joy]** I CANNOT BELIEVE I MISSED THIS ICONIC SLOW DANCE

 **[eddie]** seriously bro, you sucked ass 

**[mara]** tbf, he did get some new skills before the dance that year

 **[mick]** lost em all five minutes after it ended tho

 **[eddie]** see that’s my point

i should’ve won

 **[mick]** at least you’re not the one who lost his dignity

 **[eddie]** shut it nick

 **[joy]** FEOFNF

 **[amber]** N I C K

 **[mick]** not a cool typo

 **[fabian]** mick i really don’t think that was a typo. 

**[eddie]** oh it wasn’t

**_H of A_ ** _| 1:15pm_

 **[mick]** anyone down for some late lunch

 **[joy]** trudy already fed us, unsure if you remember

 **[mick]** yeah but i’m hungry again

 **[alfie]** amen

 **[willow]** what if we snacked on some pastries?!

i wanted to bake a cookie or two

 **[mara]** please tell me you mean a dozen or two and not two cookies

 **[kt]** i don’t think you give her enough credit

 **[willow]** no i just meant a couple

 **[kt]** 😲

 **[nina]** i’m not sure trudy would even allow you in to do that

 **[willow]** oh wait i mean like two HUGE cookies

my mum used to make them 🥰

 **[amber]** awe that’s sooo sweet

 **[alfie]** wills i’m already in the kitchen, come boss me around

 **[willow]** omw! :)

 **[mick]** brb taking a shit

 **[patricia]** god

 **[fabian]** mick, honestly.

 **[jerome]** the man’s nothing but honest, fabian

**_H of A_ ** _| 1:20pm_

 **[mick]** is anyone else coming or do we get these cookies all to ourselves

 **[willow]** i’d love to share w you all!

 **[nina]** no offense, but i’m a little worried about the state of the kitchen

 **[mara]** same

 **[patricia]** count me out

 **[amber]** these nails won’t paint themselves 💅🏻

 **[fabian]** same reason as nina.

 **[kt]** study date?

 **[fabian]**...that as well.

oh, and eddie’s napping.

 **[mara]** in the same room?

 **[nina]** i’m not in the business of moving teenage boys from their beds.

 **[jerome]** i have to prepare for more recon *cough* trixie get ready *cough*

 **[mara]** this is a text conversation there’s literally no point to that

 **[mick]** sooo just us three

 **[kt]** yeah probably

 **[alfie]** damn so no sibuna

 **[mara]** no what?

 **[amber]** alfie you shut your whore mouth

 **[nina]** fr ignore them

 **[mick]** smh brits

 **[eddie]** p sure you can’t say that when you are one

 **[kt]** almost didn’t catch that for a second

 **[joy]** is he sLEEP TEXTING?

 **[patricia]** what the hell

so talented

_2:55pm_

**[jerome] to [sweetie jr.]** does your girlfriend disappear on you too when you have plans or just me

 **[eddie] to [jerry]** i haven’t been able to find her since we started dating

she just fucking

p o o f

all the time

 **[jerome]** i call bullshit

you’re both in the little club

 **[eddie]** yeah? bc i don’t make everything worse when i’m involved?

 **[jerome]** hey stfu

where’s trixie, seriously

 **[eddie]** idk, have you tried checking uPSTAIRS?

she’s avoiding me bc of your secretive shit, i literally have no clue

 **[jerome]** oh fantastic

could’ve led w this

 **[eddie]** not w you, jerry. not w you.

_3:17pm_

**[patricia] to [delete #]** how is it possible he’s gotten WORSE since yesterday

 **[jerome] to [trix are for goths]** you should be glad

this is exactly what we need

 **[patricia]** it better be. i don’t want to spend more time w you

 **[jerome]** joy would be so proud of you

 **[patricia]** joy would be so proud of YOU

staring at a guy for this long

 **[jerome]** hey stfu

 **[patricia]** focus on the task, doofus

let’s get this shit done

**_room of chaos_ ** _| 4:35pm_

 **[kt]** i’m sure it’s nothing we shouldn’t have expected, but did anyone else see patricia and jerome sneaking around the locker rooms for the past hour

 **[joy]** i’ll grill jerome in a sec

 **[willow]** ooh are they both wearing black?

 **[joy]** did you see them too?

 **[kt]** uh no

they weren’t

willow what are you referencing

 **[willow]** it seems to me that they must be following parker wells around for some kind of preparation for monday, and in my extensive experience with shows and films, when sneaking around you must must MUST wear all black.

basic sneaking 101

 **[joy]** willow it is BROAD DAYLIGHT

 **[kt]** from my o w n experience i can assure you wearing all black is a bad idea

as is camouflage

 **[willow]** aweee i once saw alfie in camo

very cute, unassuming

 **[joy]** okay now it makes sense.

**_room of chaos_ ** _| 4:41pm_

 **[joy]** yeah jerome isn’t budging

i’d withhold dates or something but after last year’s mess i really don’t wanna waste anymore time

 **[kt]** i can safely say that is the one and only time i’ve ever understood and accepted your pda

 **[willow]** i accept it all the time!!

they’re really really cute together

 **[joy]** it honestly means a lot when you say that stuff, willow

ty for being so kind through all this

 **[willow]** 💖

_5:24pm_

**[jerome] to [trix are for goths]** i’m legitimately going to throw up

i’m calling it a day

even if he sends the whole house dick pics, me included, we’re done

 **[patricia] to [delete #]** i need about three showers after this

_**patty’s splash list** | 7:22pm _

**[patricia]** just thought i’d let you all know, fabian held an entire conversation w me while i was in the shower 

**[eddie]** excuse me

 **[kt]** w h a t

 **[amber]** omg is the prom rumor from three years ago true??

 **[patricia]** NO

 **[nina]** i’m gonna need some more information

 **[eddie]** yeah, so i can beat his ass

 **[nina]** no, just more information

 **[patricia]** he’s freaking out about parker and wanted my input on whether or not nina’s safe

 **[amber]** aweeee

that is sweet in such a weird way 🤨🤗

 **[kt]** okay but was he in the shower or in the BATHROOM

 **[eddie]** there’s only one correct answer and it’s he was never there at all

 **[patricia]** bathroom, couldn’t see a thing

 **[eddie]** that wasn’t the right answer

 **[nina]** calm down edison, if i’m alright w it you can be too

 **[patricia]** PFFTT

 **[eddie]** uh no??

you’re fine bc your bf’s actually doing something

i’m not allowed to do anything

 **[amber]** you *have* been sulking an inappropriate amount tho

 **[eddie]** i do what i want

 **[kt]** follow up “okay but”—why are you telling US this

 **[amber]** this seems like full house territory

 **[nina]** awe eddie full house

 **[eddie]** dammit now i’m nostalgic

 **[amber]** i don’t know what that means

 **[patricia]** i figured we should vote on whether or not he qualifies now

i detached the showerhead and sprayed him around the curtain

 **[kt]** so THAT’S why i slipped when i went in there

 **[eddie]** okay i guess i don’t need to yell at him anymore

 **[amber]** probably did him a favor

he really needed to fix his hair today

 **[nina]** his hair was fine?

 **[amber]** you don’t count

 **[patricia]** dOES HE COUNT??

 **[kt]** eh not food, not traditional

 **[eddie]** have none of you drank shower water before?

i say it counts

 **[patricia]** nvmd this whole thing is void bc of that comment

you’re so weird

 **[eddie]** you’re dating me

 **[kt]** i am once again asking to switch houses

_8:43pm_

**[jerome] to [frobisher-smythe]** it’s in the living room between the couch cushions

**_H of A_ ** _| 10:22pm_

 **[alfie]** anyone else do nothing but the dance battle and/or cookies today

 **[mick]** those cookies made me feel high

 **[nina]** study date aside, nada

 **[joy]** i fell down a youtube rabbit hole

 **[kt]** me too, actually

 **[mara]**...they weren’t WEED cookies, right willow?

 **[eddie]** i JUST woke up again

 **[willow]** no ofc not

that’s a different recipe altogether :)

 **[amber]** well *i* painted my nails, so it was a productive day

 **[joy]** ngl i feel like we didn’t capitalize on this weekend

 **[alfie]** ^^ that’s what i’m saying

 **[mick]** should we go into town tomorrow?

 **[nina]** yesss

 **[willow]** let’s go bowling!

 **[patricia]** -_- i suck at bowling

 **[eddie]** let’s go bowling!

 **[fabian]** seeing patricia out of her element is a rare but powerful sight.

 **[kt]** not when you barge into the bathroom

 **[mara]** excuse me, he WHAT?

 **[fabian]** thank you, kt.

it’s not what it sounds like.

 **[mick]** sounds like you have another feminist case, mara

 **[eddie]** he gets one good day w her and he flies off the deep end

 **[mick]** i’m not listening to people idek

 **[alfie]** he’s not an alien man

i’d know an alien when i saw one

 **[amber]** this conversation has surpassed my point of interest

 **[mick]** good on you for using a big word, ambs

 **[amber]** thank you!

 **[joy]** still sounds pretty sexist to me @mara

 **[mara]** call me crazy, but i think he meant it literally

 **[fabian]** mick can’t spell ‘surpassed,’ i promise that was genuine.

 **[eddie]** great now that we all realize how little mick understands

 **[nina]** a bit harsh

 **[eddie]** but FAIR

does he know who you are?? 

**[mick]** she’s dating my best mate

ofc i do

 **[nina]** 😇

 **[willow]** should we split into teams for bowling?

not to brag, but i once scored 37 😏

 **[alfie]** oh my sweet child

 **[mara]** willow, in bowling you want to get a HIGH score

 **[willow]**...suddenly i am unsure about this outing

 **[patricia]** i agree

 **[jerome]** no i wanna see patricia crash and burn

 **[eddie]** it’ll be really funny

i taught her how to play football and she got such a big head that she tried punching me through the padding

 **[patricia]** that was FLIRTING you idiot

sorry i wasn’t as subtle as “lowering my forcefield”

 **[eddie]** RUDE

 **[joy]** heyyy when i heard that i thought it was adorable!

 **[eddie]** THANK YOU

and also incredibly VULNERABLE

 **[patricia]** you weren’t THAT vulnerable cmon, it’s me, i’m not going to kill you

 **[alfie]** not sure about that last part

 **[mara]** patricia, you can be rather feisty

 **[jerome]** i’ve spent a lot of time w her these past few days and i feared for my life the whole time

i don’t know how joy does it

 **[joy]** she’s not mAlicious

 **[jerome]** she could shoot each and every one of us

 **[nina]** there are a lot more things to be scared of in this house

 **[fabian]** like everyone texting past 10.

 **[joy]** oh pls, i’ve been in far more dangerous scenarios

 **[jerome]** so have i. re: my ~uncle??

 **[joy]** jerome i almost DIED two years ago

 **[jerome]** iK i was THERE

 **[mick]**????

 **[mara]** what’re you talking about??

**_sibuna ~informants_ **

**[eddie]** if you guys need to play cool about ANYTHING in your life, it’s this

 **[patricia]** yes bc yk how to play it cool

 **[eddie]** i didn’t send you a dick pic, did i¿

 **[amber]** i blame alfie for slipping up in the first place

 **[alfie]** thx ambs

**_H of A_ **

**[nina]** video games i think?

joy sucks

 **[joy]** hey fuck off

**_sibuna ~informants_ **

**[nina]** JOY

 **[joy]** sorry, slid back to my old vibe there

 **[jerome]** tbf, i got like zero sleep last night

 **[kt]** wanna take a guess at why

 **[patricia]** the crypt offer still stands

 **[kt]** n o

 **[patricia]** oh come on, you’ve stayed in there before

 **[eddie]** yacker

shut it

 **[amber]** ewwwww

kt that’s disgusting. gtfo out of there

 **[kt]** i would if mara wouldn’t mind making yet another triple a quadruple

 **[amber]** oops i can’t downsize my wardrobe anymore

vetoed, sorry

 **[joy]** we can’t be in his room bc alfie refuses to leave :(

 **[patricia]** ffs alfie bunk w eddie for a night

 **[eddie]** uh no? bunk w fabian

 **[fabian]** i pass it off to mick bc he can’t argue yet.

 **[alfie]** yeah ig i could do that

 **[joy]** oh shit now i gotta sneak downstairs

 **[nina]** bet you’re wishing you stayed in sibuna now, huh?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the fabian shower conversation is one of my proudest moments, ngl.
> 
> yw for some monday morning serotonin. :)


	5. sunday.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bowling: full of whining, cheating, accidents, and people going in and out during each game.  
> house: final preparation...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is more off track than the previous ones, but they needed a day of fun aka i needed this in my life.

**_H of A_ ** _| 11:33am_

 **[jerome]** we’re leaving at noon

if you’re not downstairs by then you get left behind, idc

 **[patricia]** perfectly fine by me

 **[eddie]** you’re going

 **[patricia]** uh, no?

 **[nina]** yes you are

 **[joy]** she definitely is

 **[amber]** if I’M risking breaking a nail, then YOU can risk your dignity

 **[fabian]** i find it pretty hypocritical that jerome’s the one talking about punctuality.

 **[mara]** we won’t really leave

 **[patricia]** hey yeah what the fuck

 **[alfie]** i thought of that but i don’t have a death wish

 **[kt]** you guys act like jerome’s actually scary

patricia’s the scary one

 **[willow]** oh absolutely

i did a poll for stats about that

**[patricia] to [amb fan club]** i won right

 **[willow] to [regina george 💫]** 93%!

 **[patricia]** damn actually kinda proud of that

who’s the 7% who voted jerome

 **[willow]** well alfie was in the class, and i think there were some lowerclassmen as well

**_H of A_ **

**[patricia]** alfie you are SPINELESS

 **[alfie]** HEY

i’ve been manipulated by him more times than i can COUNT

 **[mick]** i really understand why you’re best friends

 **[jerome]** shut up, i manipulate everyone

it’s not actually harmful anymore

 **[nina]** i think their bromance is actually functioning now

 **[jerome]** i hate that word so much

 **[alfie]** love you too man

**_H of A_ ** _| 12:01pm_

 **[mara]** it’s 1 minute over and jerome’s whining

pls pls pls come down i hate being alone w him

 **[jerome]** did you like ?? mean to send this in a separate chat or ??

 **[eddie]** man yk she didn’t

#yougogirl

**[mara] to [ghost hunter™]** i appreciate the support

now get out here, you’re like 20ft away

 **[eddie] to [ghost hunter™]** not you too

**_H of A_ **

**[alfie]** in the kitchen snagging cookies outinasec

 **[nina]** waiting til victor’s occupied before coming down

i don’t feel like getting weirdly interrogated on a sunday

 **[patricia]** too bad, that’s what happened to me and i don’t even want to go

 **[willow]** this is going to be so much fun!

**_H of A_ ** _| 12:34pm_

 **[eddie]** now sending things worth remembering

yacker is actually terrible

mick’s slipped twice on drinks, both jerome’s but he won’t admit it

ninja and i are tied

pfft *nina

 **[nina]** no, ninja is appropriate for this

 **[mara]** first round is split up into lanes as follows

lane 17: mara, willow, fabian, alfie

lane 18: patricia, jerome, joy, mick

lane 19: eddie, nina, amber, kt

willow’s leading somehow out of all three

 **[eddie]** patricia’s losing out of all three

 **[patricia]** just play the game oh my god

 **[eddie]** it felt important to repeat

 **[joy]** mick’s winning ours ffs

jerome’s threatening him along w the drinks

**_H of A_ ** _| 12:52pm_

 **[eddie]** the results are in, and let me announce that i love my girlfriend

but WOW

 **[patricia]** this is why i refused to be in the same lane as you

 **[mara]** as suspected, willow got the highest out of all three, winning our game

jerome beat mick by a landslide, which we all agree was through cheating

nina won on a technicality after the screen glitched mid-turn and eddie won’t let it go

 **[willow]** do i get a prize??

 **[mick]** your prize is to switch lanes w me

 **[willow]** okay! :)

 **[fabian]** i think it’s worth mentioning that we can’t change the set names.

 **[mick]** guess i’m willow now

_1:10pm_

**[amber] to [messy mercer]** willow’s squealing so loud you can’t hear me

*sigh*

do you have a nail file?

 **[joy] to [fashionista]** yeah hold on

i just

i need an advil

 **[amber]** god i’ll take that too

**_H of A_ ** _| 1:21pm_

 **[kt]** updating bc mara won’t

jerome: mara, keep your boyfriend [mick] in your lane!

mara: don’t talk to me :)

we all heard the :)

 **[amber]** this is true, very audible

 **[eddie]** i’d also say the bf thing isn’t true but mick physically could not find me to thank me so

OOF PATRICIA’S OFFICIALLY KNOCKED DOWN ONE (1) PIN

 **[patricia]** i’m not kidding

shut the hell up

 **[willow]** all good vibes here! 🌈 **✨**

 **[kt]** executive decision: willow is not only winning the game but also a cheerleading award

**_H of A_ ** _| 1:30pm_

 **[eddie]** winners: willow’s the same, mick rightfully so, and nina on another technicality

 **[nina]** there was no technicality you’re just salty

 **[eddie]** patricia is in the same spot on the overall leaderboard

not that we’re surprised

_1:39pm_

**[eddie] to [yacker x]** oh come on, you can’t seriously be mad at me

_1:42pm_

**[eddie] to [yacker x]** i’m directly in your eyesight, can you just yell at me

*yack at me

_1:43pm_

**[eddie] to [yacker x]** PATRICIA I JUST SAW YOU LOOK AT YOUR PHONE

YOU STILL HAVE THE RINGER ON

 **[patricia] to [eddie 🖤]** excuse me for wanting to ignore your running commentary

 **[eddie]** i’m j o k i n g

it’s not like i hold bowling close to my heart

 **[patricia]** if this is your way of forgetting about the surprise tomorrow, it’s really shitty

 **[eddie]** c’mere

_1:46pm_

**[eddie] to [yacker x]** patricia

_1:48pm_

**[eddie] to [yacker x]** alright i’m getting up

you’re coming w me

**_H of A_ ** _| 1:56pm_

 **[alfie]** so we can all agree the only reason eddie and patricia both disappeared is bc they're making out right

 **[joy]** cooooorrect

 **[nina]** oh no question

 **[kt]** WHY AREN’T WE BOWLING

 **[nina]** bECAUSE IT’S EDDIE’S TURN AND AMBER QUIT

 **[amber]** my broken nail resents the tone i read that in

 **[mara]**...anyway, willow’s still wiping the floor

i’m doing better thanks to mick’s pointers

lane 19 hasn’t moved in 10+ minutes

 **[joy]** to continue without patricia we’ve been taking turns throwing gutterballs

 **[jerome]** “mick’s pointers” yeah i was SO off base, clearly

 **[mara]** wonder why you’re not trying to cheat willow out

i’m watching you on joy’s behalf

 **[joy]** 🙄 cheating against willow is worse than murder

 **[jerome]** ^^

 **[alfie]** exTREMELY valid

_2:15pm_

**[joy] to [patty]** safe to say you patched things up w him?

 **[patricia] to [my girl]** …he’s not being stupid anymore if that’s what you’re asking

 **[joy]** ;)

 **[patricia]** it was literally nothing

i just wanted to escape my turn for awhile

_2:19pm_

**[patricia] to [my girl]** stop glancing over at me like that

he had to be told off, fr

**_H of A_ ** _| 2:24pm_

 **[mara]** willow, mick, and nina

bc we’re terrible at change

 **[eddie]** i have another theory for the last winner

 **[nina]** ffs eddie you literally weren’t here for half the game

_2:25pm_

**[patricia] to [my girl]** oh shut up

**_H of A_ ** _| 2:44pm_

 **[eddie]** alfie’s new strategy: granny roll

 **[kt]** my new strategy: pain

 **[patricia]** my new strategy:

 **[eddie]** yeah she quit

_3:03pm_

**[amber] to [bestie ✨]** OH MY GOD GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM

NEENS IM SERIOUS

ALFIE JUST GRANNY ROLLED

AND FELL INTO THE GUTTER

HE’S HALFWAY DOWN THE LANE

_3:05pm_

**[amber] to [bestie ✨]** NIIIINNAAAAAA

 _calling_ **bestie ✨**

NINA FABIAN TRIED TO HELP

HES IN THE GUTTER TOO

PATRICIA WOULD BE VIDEOING IT IF SHE WERENT CRYING SO MUCH

_3:07pm_

**[amber] to [bestie ✨]** oh my god your phone’s out here

damn

**_H of A_ ** _| 3:15pm_

 **[alfie]** it is the lord’s day, and the lord has failed me

ye old granny has failed me too

 **[joy]** did anyone get a video??

 **[nina]** yeah fr

according to amber’s 10,000 texts and attempted phone call i missed quite the show

 **[patricia]** i was too in the moment

i yelled at eddie to record but 1) he actually sort of tried to help, and 2) his phone’s dead after all his shitty narrating

 **[fabian]** i’ll take a thank you any day now, alfie.

 **[alfie]** bro you made it WORSE

 **[willow]** ooh wait i got one photo

_literallyjustacloseupoffabiansass.jpeg_

oh 

**[kt]** YIKES

 **[fabian]** wILLOW.

 **[willow]** sorry i didn’t look before i sent it!

 **[amber]** this isn’t even funny i just feel uncomfortable

 **[mick]** nothing i haven’t seen before

 **[jerome]** first dick pics, now ass pics

when will it end?

 **[fabian]** right now.

_image removed_

**_H of A_ ** _| 3:22pm_

 **[kt]** after taking a MUCH needed break, we have our final game’s results

willow, eddie, and mara

 **[jerome]** guess mick’s not great at every sport huh

 **[patricia]** i’m surprised you didn’t say he threw the match so she could win

 **[jerome]** how could that be the case when the real explanation is right there?

 **[mick]** yeah, which is that i share a lane w fabian and alfie and couldn’t stop LAUGHING

 **[mara]** honestly i just got lucky w that one

 **[kt]** eddie: that did the opposite for me. it INVIGORATED me

nina: no, you’re just high off patricia

 **[amber]** wait don’t forget the most important part

eddie: you’re just mad bc you lost

neens: it’s literally 3 out of 4

patricia: he must REALLY be high off me

**_H of A_ ** _| 3:30pm_

 **[jerome]** as with earlier, you’re not ready, we leave

 **[nina]** _@mara_ you in the bathroom?

 **[jerome]** mick’s not here either

 **[alfie]** 😏

 **[joy]** i’m sure it’s not that

**_sisterhood_ ** _| 3:33pm_

 **[mara]** brb mick’s crying

 **[patricia]** fodnckgig

 **[kt]** about WHAT

 **[mara]** oh he dropped a bowling ball and nearly hit my foot but then while i was jokingly chastising him i actually dropped mine on him 😬

 **[amber]** how are you two more trouble when you’re NOT together

**_H of A_ ** _| 3:35pm_

 **[joy]** yeah it’s not that

 _@mick @mara_ waiting ...

_6:30pm_

**[jerome] to [frobisher-smythe]** you said you’d have it done today

chop chop

**_H of A_ ** _| 6:56pm_

 **[joy]** _jeromesmishap.jpeg_

 **[willow]** oh no!!

 **[alfie]** FORNFKEJR

 **[nina]** iM SORRY THIS IS SO FUNNY

 **[fabian]** saved. 

**[patricia]** LOCKSCREENS

MAKING IT EVERYONE’S LOCKSCREENS

**[mara] 🙌🏻**

**[eddie]** forget LOCKSCREENS

WE’RE PUTTING THIS UP IN THE HOUSE

 **[amber]** how did this even HAPPEN

 **[joy]** mick tied his shoelaces together during the granny situation

 **[mick]** i saw the opportunity and i took it

 **[eddie]** R E S P E C T

 **[jerome]** the most amateur prank if you ask me

 **[kt]** i think you should take the L on this one

 **[nina]** I AM S O B B I N G

_7:22pm_

**[jerome] to [frobisher-smythe]** pickup at 8

it better be there, we don’t have much more time

_8:09pm_

**[jerome] to [frobisher-smythe]** this is GOLDEN

excellent job

i’ll owe you one after this

**_H of A_ ** _| 11:37pm_

 **[patricia]** tomorrow’s the day

 **[alfie]** about time

 **[willow]** yay!!!

 **[joy]** i stg if you don’t tell me what’s happening rn

 **[jerome]** wouldn’t you like to know

 **[nina]** don’t you just love it when jerome states the obvious

 **[fabian]** no.

 **[kt]** no

 **[mick]** i don’t even like when he states

 **[patricia]** A WHOLE MOOD

 **[jerome]** 🖕🏻 

all of you

 **[joy]** no, 🖕🏻 to YOU

why can’t we know what it is??

 **[amber]** don’t act like you care if the rest of us know

 **[eddie]** let the record state i still think i should’ve been involved as the victim’s literal boyfriend

 **[jerome]** let the record state you’re wrong

 **[amber]** wait, who’s recording this?

 **[willow]** that was my question too

 **[patricia]** i cannot express how thrilled you crybabies will be when you’re surprised

so suck it up

 **[nina]** rude

 **[jerome]** also we expect everyone to attend

 **[patricia]** if you don’t, i reserve the right to cut you out of my life

 **[mara]** i’m doing next week’s homework rn so i’m not distracted/forget

 **[fabian]** me as well.

 **[eddie]** shit wait did we have homework

 **[patricia]** just don’t do it

 **[eddie]** good enough for me

 **[kt]** will there be a splash zone to stay out of?

*side eyes patricia*

 **[nina]** ^^^

 **[eddie]** ^^^

 **[nina]** hey why is it always americans

 **[alfie]** trixie’s gotta be racist

 **[patricia]** duh

and no, no splash zone

just get excited

 **[mara]** 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

 **[willow]** r e a d y

 **[fabian]** i’m absolutely thrilled.

 **[patricia]** oh and i’d prefer for everyone to look like they’re heading to a funeral tomorrow when...something happens

i want stupid fucking parker wells to know he’s a goner

 **[jerome]** you spelled boner wrong

 **[mick]** i’ll change out of my running clothes in time

 **[kt]** 👍🏻 

**[amber]** i can’t believe you’d even ask us to dress up

i look flawless for everything, secret tunnels be damned

OH SHOOT

**_sibuna ~informants_ **

**[nina]** FFS

i’m changing “sibuna” and anything of the like in ALL of your phones to “idiots”

 **[fabian]** seems kinda harsh, don’t you think?

 **[eddie]** talking about idiots in this chat/the official one will be a lot harder then

WAIT WHEN’D YOU CHANGE MINE

 **[kt]** she’s literally beside you

**_anubis backwards_ **

**[kt]** back to the tunnels!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bowling log:
> 
> GAME #1  
> lane 17: mara, willow, fabian, alfie  
> winner: willow (out of all 3)  
> lane 18: patricia, jerome, joy, mick  
> winner: jerome (suspected cheating)  
> loser: patricia (out of all 3)  
> lane 19: eddie, nina, amber, kt  
> winner: nina (on technicality)
> 
> GAME #2  
> lane 17: mara, mick, fabian, alfie  
> winner: mick  
> lane 18: patricia, jerome, joy, willow  
> winner: willow (out of all 3)  
> loser: patricia (out of all 3)  
> lane 19: eddie, nina, amber, kt  
> winner: nina (no technicality; eddie lied)
> 
> GAME #3  
> lane 17: mara, mick, fabian, alfie  
> winner: mick  
> lane 18: patricia, jerome, joy, willow  
> winner: willow  
> loser: patricia (absent for half)  
> lane 19: eddie (absent for half), nina, kt (amber quit)  
> winner: nina
> 
> GAME #4  
> lane 17: mara, mick, fabian, alfie  
> winner: mara (mick was too distracted)  
> lane 18: jerome, joy, willow (patricia quit)  
> winner: willow  
> lane 19: eddie, nina, kt  
> winner: eddie (still 3 out of 4 though)
> 
> i'm ironicsopsychotic from youtube, so if you like my hoa vids please give this fic some love! kudos, comments, bookmarks, all that jazz.


	6. monday.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the day they've all been waiting for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i needed a ~distraction and eventually got to work on this. just over 10k now!
> 
> hope you enjoy the finale! xx

**_H of A_ ** _| 7:59am_

 **[mara]** when can we expect this?

 **[jerome]** sometime by the end of the school day

 **[amber]** as usual, you are very unhelpful

 **[mara]** seriously

**_H of A_ ** _| 8:15am_

 **[patricia]** oh my god guys you can’t make comments IN FRONT OF TRUDY

**_sibuna ~informants_ **

**[patricia]** text fuck ups aside, we are SO much better about sneaking in person

 **[kt]** yeah, when we’re all IN THE KNOW patricia

**_H of A_ **

**[willow]** i’m sorry!!

i just love surprises so much, this is very thrilling

 **[mick]** is parker gonna like

die

 **[jerome]** eh not technically

 **[nina]** not TECHNICALLY?

 **[alfie]** kinda cool

 **[amber]** yeah i like this

**[joy] to [posh boy** **❤️]** pleeeeeeaseeeee

 **[jerome] to [joyless ❤️]** wait just a liiittle bit longer joyless

c’mon, it’ll be worth it

 **[joy] 😒** you better be right

**[jerome] 🤐😘**

**_H of A_ ** _| 10:35am_

 **[nina]** the chat’s been silent for too long

 **[mara]** ominous

 **[eddie]** jerry i’ll beat your ass if this doesn’t happen today

 **[jerome]** yeah right you will

**_H of A_ ** _| 1:02pm_

 **[kt]** anyone else getting kind of nervous now?

 **[patricia]** nah just excited

 **[eddie]** yeah bc you KNOW

 **[joy]** end of the school day, jerome

clock’s ticking

 **[mick]** more like **cock’s ticking

**[kt] left the group chat**

**[mara] left the group chat**

**[fabian] left the group chat**

**[patricia]** MASSIVE fail mick

 **[alfie]** actually i think they have the right idea

**[alfie] left the group chat**

**[jerome]** nope not that easy alfie

**[jerome] added [alfie] to the group chat**

**[alfie]** dammit

**_sisterhood_ **

**[patricia]** i’m assuming you want back in

 **[kt]** only if mick doesn’t say that again

 **[mara]** very crude

 **[patricia]** no promises

**_H of A_ **

**[patricia] added [kt] to the group chat**

**[patricia] added [mara] to the group chat**

**[patricia] added [fabian] to the group chat**

**[patricia]** mick keep the comments to yourself

 **[fabian]** i wasn’t contacted about this.

 **[jerome]** and we don’t care

you’re in this just as much as the rest of us, rutter

_1:49pm_

**[alfie] to [ambs]** something’s happening

i’ll prepare the guys, you tell the girls

 **[amber] to [alfeee]** omg tell them what??

 **[alfie]** i think it’s happening at 2:30

eddie mentioned sweetie’s having an assembly

**_da boys_ **

**[alfie]** _text screenshot_

**_sisterhood_ **

**[amber]** _text screenshot_

 **[willow]** ooh, news!

 **[nina]** okay but that sets me on edge

 **[joy]** that makes me mad

literally they couldn’t just tell us the time, we have to do detective work to get that??

**_da boys_ **

**[eddie]** bro you didn’t tell me you thought it’d happen THEN

 **[alfie]** was that not what you were implying?

 **[eddie]** i was implying my dad’s a dork and that i don’t trust jerome to get this done today

 **[mick]** ^^ agree w new guy

 **[eddie]** i can’t stand our interactions man, kinda ruins my mood

 **[jerome]** ffs stop trying to figure this out

**_sisterhood_ **

**[patricia]** stop looking into this!!

 **[joy]** THEN TELL US

 **[kt]** at an ASSEMBLY?

 **[mara]** this isn’t going to go over well patricia

 **[nina]** when does anything go over well

 **[amber]** anubis house has an amaze track record neens

 **[kt]** clearly

_2:01pm_

**[jerome] to [trix are for goths]** you better be ready when you’re dismissed

 **[patricia] to [delete #]** oh pls, i didn’t even go to class

 **[jerome]** wtf why didn’t i think of that

 **[patricia]** sibuna genes, jerome. you’re falling behind

_2:12pm_

**[eddie] to [1000% whipped]** my class just got dismissed

you’ve got eyes on jerome?

 **[alfie] to [food enthusiast]** he looks very smug

like

smugger than smug

smugger than a mug

 **[eddie]** alfie

 **[alfie]** sorry

_2:20pm_

**[nina] to [bestie** ✨ **]** where’s patricia and jerome??

i thought they were w you

 **[amber] to [bestie** ✨ **]** alfie saw jerome duck into the computer lab 2min ago

i think patricia ditched last period altogether tbh

 **[nina]** i’m going to lose my mind

this is so nerve wracking

 **[amber]** can’t wait for you to be avenged thooo 👏🏻

**_H of A_ ** _| 2:43pm_

 **[kt]** HOLY SHIT JEROME

 **[alfie]** NOOOOOOO

 **[nina]** this CANT be real

 **[eddie]** 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

 **[mara]** i respect this

 **[kt]** mara!!

 **[mara]** RE

SPECT

 **[kt]** what happened to “very crude”??

 **[amber]** 💅🏻 it’s what he deserves

 **[mick]** _joysbeatingupjerome.jpeg_

 **[willow]** such dedication wowee ✨ 

_3:03pm_

**[nina] to [badass]** did i ever tell you your name in my phone is “badass”

 **[patricia] to [leader™]** pfft no but you’re right

 **[nina]** it’s even more applicable now

i wouldn’t have thought to do this myself but i can’t say i’m not happy he got what was coming to him

 **[patricia]** see? you just have to let us aggressors handle things sometimes

 **[nina]** lmao i love you

 **[patricia]** love you too 😉😇

**[jerome] to [trix are for goths]** shit wait sweetie’s on the move

 **[patricia] to [delete #]** pls i can blend in in the hallway

aren’t you still in the lab?

 **[jerome]** eh ngl i might wanna get caught for this

 **[patricia]** fuck

too late now, all of anubis is getting rounded up

**_H of A_ ** _| 4:17pm_

 **[alfie]** so now that mr. sweet thinks we were trying to “get rid of” parker

 **[mara]** i’ve almost been expelled from this school way too many times

 **[nina]** why didn’t any of us consider the repercussions of the entire house dressing up while a slideshow played of parker grabbing his junk for the whole school to see

 **[fabian]** it’s jerome’s fault for keeping us in the dark. 

**[amber]** i want to know how jerome even GOT those pictures

 **[jerome]** trixie and i might have staked him out for awhile

 **[joy]** i knew you were the right man for the job

 **[jerome]** *bows*

 **[eddie]** honestly

i’m just glad i finally got in on it

 **[mick]** mate you nearly broke his nose

 **[eddie]** he sent patricia a dick pic

 **[mara]** you’ve once again aggravated your dad to the point of almost-expulsion

 **[kt]** what was the first time??

 **[eddie]** again: he sent patricia. 

a dick pic. 

p a t r i c i a. 

had to be done. 

**[patricia]** i’ve never been more turned on honestly

 **[alfie]** oh my god

 **[willow]** it’s actually kind of sweet

it’s our bodies’ way of showing affection

 **[fabian]** i would like to redirect everyone to how this whole thing started in the first place. 

our bodies showing affection isn’t always GOOD.

 **[joy]** amen to that

 **[mick]** oh shit wait

_eddiefuckingupparkersdisgustingface.jpeg_

is THIS eddie??

 **[nina]** i CANT

 **[eddie]** ARE YOU KIDDING ME

I JUST HAD TO PUNCH SOMEONE FOR YOU TO REMEMBER

JERRY’S RIGHT HERE I COULDVE DONE THAT AGES AGO

 **[willow]** 🤥 oops

 **[amber]** _parkersphonetakenaway.jpeg_

i got this one when jerome and patricia were arguing w sweetie

oh and eddie and nina

and mara

actually, we were all arguing w him, but i wanted to remember this moment

 **[nina]** i love you guys so much

 **[joy]** seriously tho, how’d you get the pictures

 **[fabian]** guess we’ll never know. 

**[jerome]** uh yes we will

fabian did some computer magic and got me the original back

**[fabian] to [literal criminal]** i didn’t think i’d have to tell you that wasn’t part of the deal.

but that WASN’T part of the deal.

 **[jerome] to [frobisher-smythe]** figured you’d want the credit smh

ik eddie would

**_H of A_ **

**[joy]** OFNSKFNFIF

 **[amber]** FABIAN

 **[mara]** YOU WHAT

 **[eddie]** bro i’ll make you whatever kind of sandwich you want

wish i’d thought of that

**[jerome] to [frobisher-smythe]** see?

**[nina] to [favian ❤️❤️]** you did not

 **[fabian] to [my chosen one 💜]** i’d like to think my approach was a bit classier than eddie’s.

 **[nina]** classier is not the word

 **[fabian]** anonymous, then. 

i couldn’t let him do that to you.

 **[nina]** thank you then

❤️

 **[fabian]** anything for you. ❤️ 

**_H of A_ **

**[jerome]** from there it was unfortunate rl photography

 **[mick]** way to go, mate

 **[eddie]** r e s p e c t

 **[joy]** so you just photoshopped some pants on??

 **[kt]** thank god

 **[willow]** the magic of the internet 👻 

**[jerome]** $5 to anyone who can guess the original dick pic

_wellsdickslideshow.pptx_

coming from fabian’s wallet, of course

 **[fabian]** no, not “of course.”

 **[amber]** it was the third one

 **[jerome]** wtf

fabian, pay the lady

 **[patricia]** how’d you guess so quickly?

 **[kt]** you don’t have the picture anymore right?

 **[amber]** oh no i’ve been sent MORE than my fair share of dick pics

**[alfie] to [partner in crime]** so yk how patricia would’ve killed parker regardless

amber clearly won’t

sooooooOoo…

 **[jerome] to [alfredo m’boy]** *rubs hands together maniacally*

**_H of A_ **

**[alfie]** THIS IS WAR

**_the end._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAHA HI HOW ARE YOU
> 
> if you want, tell me:  
> 1) your reaction to the surprise  
> 2) your favorite text conversation in this chapter  
> 3) your favorite chapter  
> 4) your favorite text conversation overall
> 
> i'm just very happy about this fic and if your comments indicate anything it's that you are too. i'll have to write more group chat fics sometime lmao.
> 
> thank you for reading!  
> i'm ironicsopsychotic from youtube, so if you like my hoa vids please give this fic some love! kudos, comments, bookmarks, all that jazz.

**Author's Note:**

> originally this was supposed to be one long-ish texting fic, but i'm gonna set it up by days now!
> 
> oh uh and i recently got sent a pseudo-dick pic from some dude at uni who’s NEVER spoken to me before, so imagine how thrilled i was to receive a pic of him feeling himself through his pants. i hc he just shoved a remote in his shorts.  
> but yeah so inspiration. patricia and i are alike in that this will NOT end well.
> 
> i'm ironicsopsychotic from youtube, so if you like my hoa vids please give this fic some love! kudos, comments, bookmarks, all that jazz.


End file.
